Originally Published Sunday, January 4, 1997, in the Miami Herald

Wait 'Til Next Year
By DAVE BARRY

Right now, while you're still burping up little gaseous
reminders of the estimated 78 cheese puffs you consumed
on New Year's Eve, is the time to make
your New Year's resolutions.

Why make resolutions? Because you CAN be a better person. I
bet you know somebody who seems to be perfect -- somebody
who always looks terrific; somebody who manages to devote
plenty of time to both family and career; somebody whose
house is spotless, whose children are well-behaved and
whose dog does not smell as if it sleeps on a bed of
decomposing raccoons.

You wonder how that person ''does it all,'' don't you? Well,
stop wondering and do something! Start right now! Get up off
the sofa, put on some active sportswear,
and kill that personwith a crowbar!

No, seriously, you need to make some New Year's resolutions
so that you can become a better you -- a more-attractive you;
an organized you; a you that is . . . well, less like you.

At this point you are saying: ''Dave, I would love nothing
better than to be less like myself, but every year I make the
same New Year's resolution, which is that I will lose weight,
and currently my thighs are the diameter
of the trans-Alaska pipeline.''

Don't feel bad! Many people have trouble sticking to their
resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for
this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in
which they monitored the New Year's resolutions of 275
people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92
percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two
weeks, we have no idea what happened, because the
psychologists had quit monitoring.

''We just lost our motivation,'' they reported. ''Also, we found
ourselves eating Twinkies by the case.''

So we see that keeping resolutions can be difficult. But you
CAN do it, if you follow these practical tips:

1. BE REALISTIC.

Many people give up because they ''set their sights too high.''
In making a New Year's resolution, pick a goal that you can
reasonably expect to attain, as we see in these examples:

Unrealistic Goal: ''In the next month, I will lose 25 pounds.''

Realistic Goal: ''Over the next year, taking it an ounce or two
at a time, I will gain 25 pounds, and my face will bloat
like a military life raft.''

Unrealistic Goal: ''I will learn to speak Chinese.''

Realistic Goal: ''I will order some Chinese food.''

Unrealistic Goal: ''I will read a good book.''

Realistic Goal: ''I will examine the outsides of some good
books, then waddle over to the part of the bookstore
where they sell pastries.''

Unrealistic Goal: ''I will do volunteer work for
a worthy cause.''

Realistic Goal: ''I will give myself a hearty scratching.''

2. THINK POSITIVE.

To succeed, you must believe in yourself. Write this
motivational statement in large letters on a piece of paper and
tape it someplace where you will see it often, such as on the
inside of your eyeglasses: ''I CAN do it, and I WILL do it!
Starting next year!''

3. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Let's say that, like millions of weight-conscious Americans,
you think you eat sensibly: Your diet consists almost
exclusively of mineral water and low-calorie, low-fat foods.
And yet you're still gaining weight. Why? I'll tell you why:
You're drinking water with minerals in it. Minerals are among
the heaviest substances in the universe, second only to guests
on The Jerry Springer Show. Think about it: The Appalachian
mountains and most major appliances are essentially big wads
of minerals, and you're putting those things into your body.
No wonder you're gaining weight!

FACT: The word ''Perrier'' is French for ''balloon butt.''

I have run out of room here, thank God, so let me say in
closing that I wish you the best of luck with your 1998
resolutions, and I will do the best to keep my own resolution,
which is to give you, every single week, the most useful,
informative and accurate columns I possibly can.
Starting next year.
 
 
 

Copyright © 1997 The Miami Herald

 

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