My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I

am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for

no reason after my human has finished watching a horror

movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the

aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly

not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come

home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting

plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,

and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It

took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the

hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished

watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass

so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.

(It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and

see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night

snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the

middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at

the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human

can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the

night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding

Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while

they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall

behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do

the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside

to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes

just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful

I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty

after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and

singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is

something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my

human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer

before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will

not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my

human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down

and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird

feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds

to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and

will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into

floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a

personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There

have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just

discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of

them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying

to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it

will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and

attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the

family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*

a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely

tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help

installing a new board in her computer.