I will not bring the city police to the front
door by stepping
on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human
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Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters),
stay in the
house and any wild critters (frogs and
earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in
finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if
laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as
the guinea pig
likes to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should
be allowed to
remain in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and
expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers
they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them
so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so
they will start
writing things in my records like "Good
Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like
and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and
then kiss her on
the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is
forgiven and can
now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no
matter how much
they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in
such a fashion that
the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's
overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a
big live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl
to make tea. I
will not get high and sit there drinking my tea
and kneading the
floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions
of grandeur and
make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I
will not try to
make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair
my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for