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Time for Those Always-Eagerly-Awaited, Infamous Predictions from Mme. Patricia!!
Only Available Via Smith, et al Family E-Mail! (and NOW, on this site!)
 
 
Subject: Mme. Patricia's Predictions January through March 1999

      Happy New Year, Everyone!
          In keeping with tradition, here is the first installment of Madame
Patricia's New Year Predictions. It will be hard to top last year's
predictions, but here goes:

JANUARY 1999

   1  Ann resolves to  keep her glasses in the same spot so she always knows
where they are. She will seriously start doing this as soon as she finds them.

   4  The NBA strike is settled when the players agree to return under the
proviso that Ralph Bruner will never be permitted to coach a professional
team.
 
   9  Wes' 21st birthday. Ann bakes him a devil's food cake from scratch.
Later, Don bites into Ann's glasses while eating his cake.

  15  NunotherthanJean's birthday. Her sister's meet her in Las Vegas where
she wins a bundle, which she blows on Diet Coke and Depends Undergarments for
everyone.

  24  Hawkins Road Reunion/Block Party. Tim and Megan win the Ethel Kennedy
Award for having the most kids in the fewest years and announce twins are on
the way, thereby ensuring their position as champs again next year.
 

FEBRUARY 1999

   4  Guy's birthday. While shopping at Walmart for his gift, Patty takes her
eyes off the cart for ONE SECOND. It rolls into Erma, the speech impaired
operator, who announces over the PA, " Shecurity, pleashe shend a nursh to
Shporting Goodsh.
But firsht, pleashe, eshcort thish cushtomer  out the front door."
 
   6  Geoff's hockey team wins it's first game 4-3!! However it is a scrimmage
game against some neighborhood dogs that wandered onto the ice. But hey, way
to go, guys!

  10  Deb's finger gets stuck in the printer while changing the cartridge.
Pete gets her out with a stick of butter and a stern lecture. The printer is
greasy for a while but the house is filled with the wonderful aroma of  french
toast every time Deb prints.

  16  Dennis Rodman marries Ginger Spice in Las Vegas. His agent announces he
was very drunk during the ceremony and the marriage is annulled.

 24  Ann decides to experiment with velcro behind her ears to ensure that
she'll always know where her glasses are. She'll try it as soon as she
remembers where she put the velcro.

MARCH 1999

  9 Jay's birthday. Deb posts pictures on the familypoint website (how psychic
do you have to be to predict this?), then sends 10,000 e-mail messages to let
everyone know they are there (that drives this psychic up the wall--although
my psychic powers tell me they will be there before I check the mail).

15  Mom patents the "sockravat," the socks that can be worn as a scarf. They
are an instant hit in Minnesota and the stock goes through the roof. CEO Dad
hires the clubhouse cook to make them fish and chips to celebrate.

 22  Dennis Rodman marries Daisy Fuentes in Las Vegas. His agent announces he
was very drunk and the marriage is annulled.

 30  Just before being (accidently) stepped on by Dave Kerr, Gina Kerr is
heard to say "Ay carumba!"

 31  Upon awakening from her coma, Gina is heard to say,"Quiero Taco Bell".
 

   That's all for now, folks!



But not for long! The very next day, Madame P. was back with another installment!

Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 14:42:51 EST

Subject: A Few More 1999  Predictions

      Dear Family,
        My crystal ball has been hazy so the predictions are coming through
rather slowly. Here are a few more to tide you over until the next premonition
comes upon me.

APRIL  1999

   1 Rob's birthday. Ann Velcro's her glasses to her head to avoid another
cake incident. Later, Don bites into her wedding ring as he eats a piece of
birthday cake.

   3 Holy Saturday. Megan and the girls dye 400 hard-boiled eggs for an Easter
egg hunt Sunday morning. Lauren makes sure there are no brown ones.

   4 Easter Sunday. Megan "scrambles" to dye more eggs when it is discovered
that Ry Guy has been up for two hours mowing the lawn with his Fisher-Price
bubble mower.

   7 Sisters Reunion in Hotlanta!!! Patty accidentally knocks out a flight
attendant when she swings her carryon bag into the overhead compartment and
clips the stewardess on the back of the head. No incidents on MARTA are
foreseen at this time.

  7-11 Dow Jones notes marked increase in sales of Breyer's ice cream and
Adult Incontinence Undergarments in the Southeast US. Coincidence? I think
not.

  8 Debbie successfully enters Tim and Megan's e-mail addresses into Ann's
computer address book.

  9 Ann accidentally deletes Tim and Megan's addresses from her computer
address book.

  15 Dennis Rodman marries Jenny McCarthy in Las Vegas. His agent announces he
was very drunk and the marriage is annulled.

   24 Mom pickets the National Wildlife Assn. when the armadillo is placed on
the Endangered Species List.

MAY 1999

   3 Deb and Danny's birthdays. Ann accidentally mails her glasses to Debbie
with her birthday card.

   9 Mother's Day. All the Smith kids and their families descend on
Continental Country Club to surprise Mom. She is overwhelmed and responds with
a heartfelt,
"Oh God No! Well, I'm not cooking!" Dad makes milk toast for all.

   24 Joseph's birthday. Fun-loving Uncle Tim prepares to send him  a box of
novelty toys, including fake vomit, fake dog doo, shrunken heads, rubber mice,
etc. Unfortunately he accidentally mixes up the address labels with the
package of blank diskettes he is sending to Dad to donate to church. Wouldn't
you like to be a rubber fly on the wall when Mom and Dad open up that box?!!

  30 Deb and Jay's 18th Anniversary. Jay surprises Debbie with a computer room
which he built in the basement on nights when she was out at choir practice
and PTA meetings. Deb gives Jay a pencil with his name on it.
 

        ML,
            Madame Patricia
 



And like clockwork, she was back the very next day!!!

At 12:09 AM 1/3/99 EST, Rustymag@aol.com wrote:
>Here we go!
>
>JUNE 1999
>
>   1 Patty's birthday. Guy surprises her with a brand new mini-van with a
>dishwasher hidden inside of it! (hey, these are my predictions, why shouldn't
>I get what I want)?

Deb's reply...

OH, MY LORD I'M VERCLEMPT--TEARY EYED FROM HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER! DON'T BELIEVE ME, MADAME? YOU SAID TO ME TONIGHT, "YOU LIE LIKE A DEAD ARMADILLO." BUT YOU ARE WRONG, MISSY, DEAD WRONG! I LOVE THESE PREDICTIONS--ALL OF THEM!! I DON'T WANT 1999 TO END (NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE Y2K PROBLEM, EITHER!) THESE PREDICTIONS ARE LIKE BUTTAH, I TELL YOU! KEEP 'EM COMIN', BABY, AND ALL OF YOU--TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES WHILE I GET MYSELF TOGETHER HERE!

LOLWS!! (AS YOU RECALL, THAT STANDS FOR LAUGHING OUT LOUD WITH SNORTS--AND BELIEVE ME, THEY WERE COMING FAST AND FURIOUS WHEN I READ THE PREDICTIONS!)

SHALOM!

GOLDA

And now, for the rest of the summer predictions!

JUNE 1999, continued 

   18 Ann and Don's anniversary. Don finds Ann's book in the cake as he is
biting into it.

  25 Dennis Rodman marries Janet Reno in Las Vegas. Her lawyer states she was
very drunk and the marriage is annulled.

JULY 1999

  10 Beech Mountain Smith Family Reunion. The family arrives only to discover
that Fred's has been converted into a  Payless Shoe Source. The Smith Sisters
are ecstatic but Mom is really ripped--she LOVED those trips to Fred's!!
 
  12 Freddie, Tom's stowaway cat, traps Eric Rudolph in the Beech Mountain
woods.
Rudolph finally surrenders after the Swinklestein Sisters make them listen to
their dress rehearsal. Tom gets the million dollar reward but plans to
continue to work for the post office, just for the fun of it.

  17 Ann's birthday. Don gets her a LoJack for her glasses.

  30 Tim's birthday. Megan takes him to the Indians game where he is knocked
out by a foul ball because he is watching Karen Shannon carry Pepi up the
bleachers instead of watching the game.

  31 Megan's birthday. Tim has the Infamous Allie picture made into wrapping
paper for her gift. Megan is not amused.

AUGUST 1999

   3 Tim knows a good thing when he sees it. He sends Dennis Rodman 25
Divorce/Annullment kits at 15% off and throws in a Hangover Kit at no charge.

   6 Don's birthday. He finds Ann's LoJack in his cake as he bites into it.

  15 Mom and Dad's Anniversary. Mr. Shively shows up to help them celebrate.
Mom hides in the bathroom for three hours. Dad serves popcorn and sausages.

   26 Vickie buys a rare Beanie Baby and hides it in her waste basket for
safe keeping. You don't have to be a psychic to figure out what happens next.

   ML,
      Madame P.
 


Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 11:56:42 EST

Subject: Back Again with Those Amazing Predictions!

   Without further ado, here's a few more:

SEPTEMBER 1999

   6 Mom makes an armadillo trap using a laundry basket, a sand wedge, coffee
grounds and a spool of Coats and Clark black thread.
 

   9 Lauren wins  the first grade talent contest after singing "Don't Cry for
Me, Argentina" with Caiti accompanying her on her Fisher-Price toy piano.
 

   11 Using his new bumper sticker kit,Tim prints one for Mom and Dad that
says "I like armadillos, they taste like chicken".
 

   16 Mattel attempts to lure Jay with an offer to give him full reign over
their complete Barbie House and Summer Home collection. He is torn but turns
it down when they balk at the idea of solar panels, something he feels
strongly about. Deb stands by her man and kisses those visions of unlimited
credit at CompUSA good-bye.
 

   19 Mom finds that someone or something has built a miniature Stone Henge in
the armadillo trap.
 

   25 NunotherthanJean returns to Magnificat to become the choir director. Moo
me mae mo ma moo.

 
   28 Mom is served with papers  from Billy Bob McCoy, president of
APT--Armadillos are People Too. Dad's response is a resounding, "Ah, your
mother wears army boots!"
 

OCTOBER 1999

    2 Tom's birthday. Geoff makes a delicious dinner of hot-dogs and mac and
cheese. Freddie rents "That Darned Cat" for the occasion.
 

    3 Patty and Guy's 18th anniversary. They splurge on a new mini-van with a
dishwasher hidden inside (déjà vu, you say)?

    7 Mom finds Ann's glasses in the armadillo trap.

   13 Patty breathes a sigh of relief when the newspaper she tosses narrowly
misses a French poodle out for a walk with it's owner. However she doesn't
notice the family cat as she backs out...
 

   16 The Suncoast Chargers win their first football game of the season when
Danny kicks a 70 yard field goal into the wind. Proud mom Patty falls through
the bleachers while jumping up and down, but thankfully grabs her Lava Buns
seat cushion as she is going down which breaks the fall quite nicely.

   31 The Smith girls go trick or treating as the Spice Girls. The evening is
cut short because Ryan, dressed as Elvis, keeps trying to eat the sequins off
his white bodysuit.



Date: Friday, January 08, 1999 7:18 PM
Subject: November 1999 Predictions
 

>    This should tide you over until the spirits speak again.
>
>NOVEMBER 1999

>   3 While watching A&E Biography, featuring Steve Jobs, the Smiths are
>astounded to learn that the computer mogul got the idea to name his company
>"Apple" after finding an apple core under his couch, which had been left
there
>by his children's baby-sitter, Ann Smith.
>
>   6 Lauren is a hit at Night-in-Blue  when she performs, "I Can't Help
Loving
>That Man O' Mine," accompanied by Claudia Kerr on the piano.
>
>   9 Don Smith is informed by Ed McMahon that he (and anyone else in the
>continental United States with a mailing address) may already be a winner
in
>the  $10,000,000 American Family Sweepstakes.
>
>   14 Not realizing she is in the Pet Products aisle at Meier's, Debbie
picks
>up a package of Pup Corn, Snausages and Beggin' Strips to serve the Ogusses
at
>their weekly Friday night get-together.
>
>   19 Tim asks Freddie the fearless feline to testmarket his latest kit
called
>the "Kitty Licker," for cats too uppity to bathe themselves.
>
>   23  Dad worries about Mom is becoming obsessed when she serves him a
Spam
>casserole molded into the shape of an armadillo. Mom explains she got the
>recipe from  "Granny Clampett's Kountry Kitchen", a cultural program on the
>Hillbilly Channel.
>
>   25 Don and Ann prepare a neighborhood feast reminiscent of the first
>Thanksgiving dinner. Don finds Ann's glasses when he removes the stuffing
from
>the bird.
>
>ML
 



Gee, I wonder if Madame Patricia's had any premonitions about December 1999?

Ah, yes...here we go! They arrived August 3rd, 1999!!
 

From: Rustymag@aol.com
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 20:00:01 EDT
Subject: The Final Installment of the '99 Predictions
 

   Well, you asked for it! Here are the December 1999 Predictions:

December 1999

    3  Vickie arranges for a Winterstock performance of "Fiddler on the Roof"
in the hospital cafeteria. The Columbus Dispatch declares, "Willie Nelson  IS
Tevye!"

   10  Megan makes 2000 gingerbread cookies in honor of the millennium. She
spends hours selecting the icing, decorations etc, to make them just perfect.

   11  Ryan is sent to his room indefinitely when Megan discovers he ate all
the heads and legs off the gingerbread men she baked yesterday. Inches from a
clean getaway, Ryan is fingered for the crime when a ring of gingerbread
crumbs around his mouth is revealed as he stands under the ultraviolet
Christmas star Tim put on top of the tree.

   17  Patty calls Debbie to ask her who she and Guy have for Secret Santa.

    20  Geoff is approached by Sony, who want to buy the rights to the new
video game he has developed that's a take off on Pokemon, called "Hockeymon,"
which is made up of characters that wear hockey gear and evolve to several
stages, such as Fourteeth, Twoteeth, Noteeth.

    23  Patty calls Debbie again to ask her who she and Guy have for Secret
Santa. Tim sends her a carton of Gingko Biloba and a Memory Kit.

    26  Patty sends out the Secret Santa presents and vows that next year
will be different.

    31  In what can only be called the irony of ironies, Ann solves the Y2K
problem when trying to  access the Reale Family Webpage. Much to her family's
amazement she is offered a job as a consultant at Microsoft but it is quickly
rescinded when she can't figure out how to answer her e-mail from them to
accept the position.

    Happy New Year, Everyone!
 
 

Here is Tom's note re: the predictions...

Date: Wed, 04 Aug 1999 06:40:56 -0500

From: Tom Smith <12nigman@softhouse.com>
Subject: Mdme. P's Predics

Just let it be known:
I was down in the basement getting the laundry out of the dryer
and I heard Geoff just howling with laughter--he was reading
the final installment of the '99 Psychic Forecast....needless to
say, he was adamant about reading more so I was able to steer him
to the DebPage, and he was just in heaven!!  He really thought
it was "funnier than Austin Powers II"--now that it is a major
testimonial right there, coming from a 13year old!!!
 

ML
TJ

 
Madame Patricia's response:

Well, if the predictions are funnier than Austin Powers I must be
doing something right!! That's groovadelic, Baby!!
       Have a good day, and for Pete's sake, oh BEHAVE!!
 


What a hoot. Madame! Thanks for increasing our information and health quotients with your gift of humor!!
So you say you wanna see the '98 predictions? Sure, Skippy! Click on
'98 Predictions   for a trip down Memory Lane!
 

Till next time! (The 2000 predictions!!)
 

This page was created on 7/31/99, and completed on 8/4/99.
 

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