Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act
Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made
a few small changes:
sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or
crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork.
this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter
Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me
it is a turkey.
will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while
you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I
have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon
discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of
tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a
recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
They are lying.
toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional
method. We've also decided
against a formal seating arrangement.
the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where
you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at
a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative on lookers. This will not be
happening at our dinner.
safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.
stress "private" meaning: Do
not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me.
Do not send small, unsuspecting children
to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is
unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When
I do, we will eat.
I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She
probably won't come next year either.