Happy New Year, Everyone!
In keeping
with tradition, here is the first installment of Madame
Patricia's New Year Predictions. It will be hard to top last year's
predictions, but here goes:
JANUARY 1999
1 Ann resolves to keep her glasses in the
same spot so she always knows
where they are. She will seriously start doing this as soon as she
finds them.
4 The NBA strike is settled when the players agree
to return under the
proviso that Ralph Bruner will never be permitted to coach a professional
team.
9 Wes' 21st birthday. Ann bakes him a devil's
food cake from scratch.
Later, Don bites into Ann's glasses while eating his cake.
15 NunotherthanJean's birthday. Her sister's meet her
in Las Vegas where
she wins a bundle, which she blows on Diet Coke and Depends Undergarments
for
everyone.
24 Hawkins Road Reunion/Block Party. Tim and Megan win
the Ethel Kennedy
Award for having the most kids in the fewest years and announce
twins are on
the way, thereby ensuring their position as champs again next year.
FEBRUARY 1999
4 Guy's birthday. While shopping at Walmart for
his gift, Patty takes her
eyes off the cart for ONE SECOND. It rolls into Erma, the speech
impaired
operator, who announces over the PA, " Shecurity, pleashe shend
a nursh to
Shporting Goodsh.
But firsht, pleashe, eshcort thish cushtomer out the front
door."
6 Geoff's hockey team wins it's first game 4-3!!
However it is a scrimmage
game against some neighborhood dogs that wandered onto the ice.
But hey, way
to go, guys!
10 Deb's finger gets stuck in the printer while changing
the cartridge.
Pete gets her out with a stick of butter and a stern lecture. The
printer is
greasy for a while but the house is filled with the wonderful aroma
of french
toast every time Deb prints.
16 Dennis Rodman marries Ginger Spice in Las Vegas.
His agent announces he
was very drunk during the ceremony and the marriage is annulled.
24 Ann decides to experiment with velcro behind her ears
to ensure that
she'll always know where her glasses are. She'll try it as soon
as she
remembers where she put the velcro.
MARCH 1999
9 Jay's birthday. Deb posts pictures on the familypoint website
(how psychic
do you have to be to predict this?), then sends 10,000 e-mail messages
to let
everyone know they are there (that drives this psychic up the wall--although
my psychic powers tell me they will be there before I check the
mail).
15 Mom patents the "sockravat," the socks that can be worn
as a scarf. They
are an instant hit in Minnesota and the stock goes through the roof.
CEO Dad
hires the clubhouse cook to make them fish and chips to celebrate.
22 Dennis Rodman marries Daisy Fuentes in Las Vegas.
His agent announces he
was very drunk and the marriage is annulled.
30 Just before being (accidently) stepped on by Dave
Kerr, Gina Kerr is
heard to say "Ay carumba!"
31 Upon awakening from her coma, Gina is heard to say,"Quiero
Taco Bell".
That's all for now, folks!
But not for long! The very next day, Madame P. was back with another installment!
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 14:42:51 EST
Subject: A Few More 1999 Predictions
Dear Family,
My crystal ball has been
hazy so the predictions are coming through
rather slowly. Here are a few more to tide you over until the next
premonition
comes upon me.
APRIL 1999
1 Rob's birthday. Ann Velcro's her glasses to her head
to avoid another
cake incident. Later, Don bites into her wedding ring as he eats
a piece of
birthday cake.
3 Holy Saturday. Megan and the girls dye 400 hard-boiled
eggs for an Easter
egg hunt Sunday morning. Lauren makes sure there are no brown ones.
4 Easter Sunday. Megan "scrambles" to dye more eggs
when it is discovered
that Ry Guy has been up for two hours mowing the lawn with his Fisher-Price
bubble mower.
7 Sisters Reunion in Hotlanta!!! Patty accidentally
knocks out a flight
attendant when she swings her carryon bag into the overhead compartment
and
clips the stewardess on the back of the head. No incidents on MARTA
are
foreseen at this time.
7-11 Dow Jones notes marked increase in sales of Breyer's
ice cream and
Adult Incontinence Undergarments in the Southeast US. Coincidence?
I think
not.
8 Debbie successfully enters Tim and Megan's e-mail addresses
into Ann's
computer address book.
9 Ann accidentally deletes Tim and Megan's addresses from
her computer
address book.
15 Dennis Rodman marries Jenny McCarthy in Las Vegas. His
agent announces he
was very drunk and the marriage is annulled.
24 Mom pickets the National Wildlife Assn. when the
armadillo is placed on
the Endangered Species List.
MAY 1999
3 Deb and Danny's birthdays. Ann accidentally mails
her glasses to Debbie
with her birthday card.
9 Mother's Day. All the Smith kids and their families
descend on
Continental Country Club to surprise Mom. She is overwhelmed and
responds with
a heartfelt,
"Oh God No! Well, I'm not cooking!" Dad makes milk toast for all.
24 Joseph's birthday. Fun-loving Uncle Tim prepares
to send him a box of
novelty toys, including fake vomit, fake dog doo, shrunken heads,
rubber mice,
etc. Unfortunately he accidentally mixes up the address labels with
the
package of blank diskettes he is sending to Dad to donate to church.
Wouldn't
you like to be a rubber fly on the wall when Mom and Dad open up
that box?!!
30 Deb and Jay's 18th Anniversary. Jay surprises Debbie with
a computer room
which he built in the basement on nights when she was out at choir
practice
and PTA meetings. Deb gives Jay a pencil with his name on it.
ML,
Madame Patricia
And like clockwork, she was back the very next day!!!
At 12:09 AM 1/3/99 EST, Rustymag@aol.com wrote:
>Here we go!
>
>JUNE 1999
>
> 1 Patty's birthday. Guy surprises her with a brand
new mini-van with a
>dishwasher hidden inside of it! (hey, these are my predictions,
why shouldn't
>I get what I want)?
Deb's reply...
OH, MY LORD I'M VERCLEMPT--TEARY EYED FROM HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER! DON'T BELIEVE ME, MADAME? YOU SAID TO ME TONIGHT, "YOU LIE LIKE A DEAD ARMADILLO." BUT YOU ARE WRONG, MISSY, DEAD WRONG! I LOVE THESE PREDICTIONS--ALL OF THEM!! I DON'T WANT 1999 TO END (NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE Y2K PROBLEM, EITHER!) THESE PREDICTIONS ARE LIKE BUTTAH, I TELL YOU! KEEP 'EM COMIN', BABY, AND ALL OF YOU--TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES WHILE I GET MYSELF TOGETHER HERE!
LOLWS!! (AS YOU RECALL, THAT STANDS FOR LAUGHING OUT LOUD WITH SNORTS--AND BELIEVE ME, THEY WERE COMING FAST AND FURIOUS WHEN I READ THE PREDICTIONS!)
SHALOM!
GOLDA
And now, for the rest of the summer predictions!
JUNE 1999, continued 
18 Ann and Don's anniversary. Don finds Ann's book in
the cake as he is
biting into it.
25 Dennis Rodman marries Janet Reno in Las Vegas. Her lawyer
states she was
very drunk and the marriage is annulled.
JULY 1999
10 Beech Mountain Smith Family Reunion. The family arrives
only to discover
that Fred's has been converted into a Payless Shoe Source.
The Smith Sisters
are ecstatic but Mom is really ripped--she LOVED those trips to
Fred's!!
12 Freddie, Tom's stowaway cat, traps Eric Rudolph in the
Beech Mountain
woods.
Rudolph finally surrenders after the Swinklestein Sisters make them
listen to
their dress rehearsal. Tom gets the million dollar reward but plans
to
continue to work for the post office, just for the fun of it.
17 Ann's birthday. Don gets her a LoJack for her glasses.
30 Tim's birthday. Megan takes him to the Indians game where
he is knocked
out by a foul ball because he is watching Karen Shannon carry Pepi
up the
bleachers instead of watching the game.
31 Megan's birthday. Tim has the Infamous Allie picture made
into wrapping
paper for her gift. Megan is not amused.
AUGUST 1999
3 Tim knows a good thing when he sees it. He sends Dennis
Rodman 25
Divorce/Annullment kits at 15% off and throws in a Hangover Kit
at no charge.
6 Don's birthday. He finds Ann's LoJack in his cake as he bites into it.
15 Mom and Dad's Anniversary. Mr. Shively shows up to help
them celebrate.
Mom hides in the bathroom for three hours. Dad serves popcorn and
sausages.
26 Vickie buys a rare Beanie Baby and hides it in her
waste basket for
safe keeping. You don't have to be a psychic to figure out what
happens next.
ML,
Madame P.
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 11:56:42 EST
Subject: Back Again with Those Amazing Predictions!
Without further ado, here's a few more:
SEPTEMBER 1999
6 Mom makes an armadillo trap using a laundry basket,
a sand wedge, coffee
grounds and a spool of Coats and Clark black thread.
9 Lauren wins the first grade talent contest after
singing "Don't Cry for
Me, Argentina" with Caiti accompanying her on her Fisher-Price toy
piano.
11 Using his new bumper sticker kit,Tim prints one for
Mom and Dad that
says "I like armadillos, they taste like chicken".
16 Mattel attempts to lure Jay with an offer to give
him full reign over
their complete Barbie House and Summer Home collection. He is torn
but turns
it down when they balk at the idea of solar panels, something he
feels
strongly about. Deb stands by her man and kisses those visions of
unlimited
credit at CompUSA good-bye.
19 Mom finds that someone or something has built a miniature
Stone Henge in
the armadillo trap.
25 NunotherthanJean returns to Magnificat to become
the choir director. Moo
me mae mo ma moo.
28 Mom is served with papers from Billy Bob McCoy,
president of
APT--Armadillos are People Too. Dad's response is a resounding,
"Ah, your
mother wears army boots!"
OCTOBER 1999
2 Tom's birthday. Geoff makes a delicious dinner
of hot-dogs and mac and
cheese. Freddie rents "That Darned Cat" for the occasion.
3 Patty and Guy's 18th anniversary. They splurge
on a new mini-van with a
dishwasher hidden inside (déjà vu, you say)?
7 Mom finds Ann's glasses in the armadillo trap.
13 Patty breathes a sigh of relief when the newspaper
she tosses narrowly
misses a French poodle out for a walk with it's owner. However she
doesn't
notice the family cat as she backs out...
16 The Suncoast Chargers win their first football game
of the season when
Danny kicks a 70 yard field goal into the wind. Proud mom Patty
falls through
the bleachers while jumping up and down, but thankfully grabs her
Lava Buns
seat cushion as she is going down which breaks the fall quite nicely.
31 The Smith girls go trick or treating as the Spice
Girls. The evening is
cut short because Ryan, dressed as Elvis, keeps trying to eat the
sequins off
his white bodysuit.
Date: Friday, January 08, 1999 7:18 PM
Subject: November 1999 Predictions
> This should tide you over until the spirits speak
again.
>
>NOVEMBER 1999
> 3 While watching A&E Biography, featuring Steve
Jobs, the Smiths are
>astounded to learn that the computer mogul got the idea to name
his company
>"Apple" after finding an apple core under his couch, which had
been left
there
>by his children's baby-sitter, Ann Smith.
>
> 6 Lauren is a hit at Night-in-Blue when she
performs, "I Can't Help
Loving
>That Man O' Mine," accompanied by Claudia Kerr on the piano.
>
> 9 Don Smith is informed by Ed McMahon that he (and
anyone else in the
>continental United States with a mailing address) may already be
a winner
in
>the $10,000,000 American Family Sweepstakes.
>
> 14 Not realizing she is in the Pet Products aisle
at Meier's, Debbie
picks
>up a package of Pup Corn, Snausages and Beggin' Strips to serve
the Ogusses
at
>their weekly Friday night get-together.
>
> 19 Tim asks Freddie the fearless feline to testmarket
his latest kit
called
>the "Kitty Licker," for cats too uppity to bathe themselves.
>
> 23 Dad worries about Mom is becoming obsessed
when she serves him a
Spam
>casserole molded into the shape of an armadillo. Mom explains she
got the
>recipe from "Granny Clampett's Kountry Kitchen", a cultural
program on the
>Hillbilly Channel.
>
> 25 Don and Ann prepare a neighborhood feast reminiscent
of the first
>Thanksgiving dinner. Don finds Ann's glasses when he removes the
stuffing
from
>the bird.
>
>ML
Gee, I wonder if Madame Patricia's had any premonitions about December 1999?
Ah, yes...here we go! They arrived August 3rd,
1999!!
From: Rustymag@aol.com
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 20:00:01 EDT
Subject: The Final Installment of the '99 Predictions
Well, you asked for it! Here are the December 1999 Predictions:
December 1999
3 Vickie arranges for a Winterstock performance
of "Fiddler on the Roof"
in the hospital cafeteria. The Columbus Dispatch declares, "Willie
Nelson IS
Tevye!"
10 Megan makes 2000 gingerbread cookies in honor
of the millennium. She
spends hours selecting the icing, decorations etc, to make them
just perfect.
11 Ryan is sent to his room indefinitely when
Megan discovers he ate all
the heads and legs off the gingerbread men she baked yesterday.
Inches from a
clean getaway, Ryan is fingered for the crime when a ring of gingerbread
crumbs around his mouth is revealed as he stands under the ultraviolet
Christmas star Tim put on top of the tree.
17 Patty calls Debbie to ask her who she and Guy have for Secret Santa.
20 Geoff is approached by Sony, who want
to buy the rights to the new
video game he has developed that's a take off on Pokemon, called
"Hockeymon,"
which is made up of characters that wear hockey gear and evolve
to several
stages, such as Fourteeth, Twoteeth, Noteeth.
23 Patty calls Debbie again to ask her who
she and Guy have for Secret
Santa. Tim sends her a carton of Gingko Biloba and a Memory Kit.
26 Patty sends out the Secret Santa presents
and vows that next year
will be different.
31 In what can only be called the irony
of ironies, Ann solves the Y2K
problem when trying to access the Reale Family Webpage. Much
to her family's
amazement she is offered a job as a consultant at Microsoft but
it is quickly
rescinded when she can't figure out how to answer her e-mail from
them to
accept the position.
Happy New Year, Everyone!
Here is Tom's note re: the predictions...
Date: Wed, 04 Aug 1999 06:40:56 -0500
From: Tom Smith <12nigman@softhouse.com>
Subject: Mdme. P's Predics
Just let it be known:
I was down in the basement getting the laundry
out of the dryer
and I heard Geoff just howling with laughter--he
was reading
the final installment of the '99 Psychic Forecast....needless
to
say, he was adamant about reading more so
I was able to steer him
to the DebPage, and he was just in heaven!!
He really thought
it was "funnier than Austin Powers II"--now
that it is a major
testimonial right there, coming from a 13year
old!!!
ML
TJ
Madame Patricia's response:
Well, if the predictions are funnier than Austin
Powers I must be
doing something right!! That's groovadelic,
Baby!!
Have
a good day, and for Pete's sake, oh BEHAVE!!
What a hoot. Madame! Thanks for increasing our information and health
quotients with your gift of humor!!
So you say you wanna see
the '98 predictions? Sure, Skippy! Click on
'98
Predictions for a trip down Memory Lane!
Till next time! (The 2000 predictions!!)